Now what?

Enough

A word that can be a call to action. It says, this is not okay. I’m tired of waiting on the sidelines. I’m rolling up my sleeves and getting down to work.

Also a word that can define our sense of self. I am a good enough daughter. I am not smart enough. Pretty enough. Successful enough.

I have spent way too much of my life (like since forever) thinking I was not enough. And that sense of self, coupled with a heavy dose of perfectionism was pretty much the driving force behind almost everything I ever did. Driven by a belief that I was not smart enough, I dove into the academic world, racked up degrees, read books, learned languages and still felt not enough. So I explored spirituality and had gurus, went on silent retreats, group retreats, had shamanic soul retrievals, learned yoga, heck became a yoga teacher. Still, I was not enough. I thought–maybe if I become a raw vegan or wear rose quartz or become the most amazing mother and wife and owner of a Golden Retriever, or start making my own challah on Shabbat, then, maybe then I will be enough.

Nothing worked. Because deep down I did not love myself.

But, as Robert Ohotto asks, “If you were enough, now what?” WHAAAAAT?

How could I possibly be enough? Right now? Without doing anything? It doesn’t help that I have serious abandonment issues, am a survivor of abuse, child of an alcoholic and an empath. But, as Ohotto lovingly claims–it is our birthright to be enough. We were born enough. And all the stuff in our lives is not there to shame us or hurt us or remind us that we are absolutely unloveable. But, all these challenges, even the dark feelings and thoughts are opportunities to take us beyond our limiting image of ourselves.

You mean, I am ok? Right now? As I am curled up in a ball crying and feeling absolutely hopeless? Yep. I am ok feeling lost? I am ok feeling anger and triggered and jealous and totally not spiritual or believing in anything except a desire NOT to feel? Yep. So what’s a girl to do?

Simple. Take a deep breath, go inside, and be with what IS, whatever is. That is not the answer we want to hear. We want to read the book that lays out the 10-step process to not feel like shit, or not to be me, or how not to feel anything but constant blissed out joy. But that isn’t reality. And it leaves us powerless. We become victims to whatever process we have convinced ourselves is the way out of the present moment. But there is no way out of the present moment, and only by turning toward all that is, and especially all that we are resisting, do we start to get our power back. The minute we let go of our agenda and allow the magic of life to speak to us, we open to true healing.

So now what?

Breathe in, breathe out. Wrap your arms around yourself and envelope yourself in love and tell yourself, “I am enough”.